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POMA wants The Journal of the Pennsylvania Osteopathic Medical Association to be a safe space for all DOs to have a voice and be heard. Opportunities to contribute in all content areas are open to all osteopathic medical students, residents and physicians. Share your thoughts, ideas and submissions via email to [email protected].
*Views expressed in The Journal of the Pennsylvania Osteopathic Medical Association are solely those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editorial board, The JPOMA, or POMA unless specified.
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Can't See, Can't Hear, Can't Afford Viagra
June 2026 | Vol. 70, No. 2
By Samuel Garloff, DO, PCOM '78
Well, I can afford Viagra, but with the nitrates I take, it would be as sensible as adding C-4 to a completed IED. Every morning, I wake up searching for my eyeglasses and hearing aids. Then after my established morning ritual, I settle down to a mug of coffee to kick-start my chest pump. Mug number 2 is for swallowing my morning meds…all 13 of them. Remember learning that more than five meds is potentially dangerous due to the possibility of reduced efficacy and possible interactions? I get yearly thank-you cards from the sons and daughters of pharmacists acknowledging my part in paying for their university education.
It doesn’t stop there. An hour or two later I consume 3 additional meds with my morning bagel or oatmeal. This ritual is repeated with my evening meal. Nighttime signals the consumption of an additional 8. This brings the daily total to 13+3+3+8=27. That, of course, is if I don’t use any Nitro sl prn.
When I take off my shirt, my chest and abdomen demonstrate the sequelae of long-forgotten surgical interventions. Not to brag, but Rand-McNally has purchased my integument to study and learn how to add red lines to their atlas maps after my demise.
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Rudolph Revealed: An In-person Interview
February 2026 | Vol. 70, No. 1
By Samuel Garloff, DO, PCOM '78
WGRP reporting from the North Pole. Shortly after the Christmas holiday, I arranged an interview with Rudolph, the famous red-nosed reindeer. What follows is a transcript of our conversation.
Rudolph, thank you for agreeing to this interview.
“Let me guess, you want to know about my nose. Well, pal, you’ll have to hear the whole story, start to finish…
I was born on November 16, 1947, and my birth was anything but natural. You see, Montgomery-Ward in Chicago gave out booklets every year to children for free at Christmas time. One year, they asked Robert L. May, an advertising copywriter, to write a Christmas story for the children so they wouldn’t have to buy a story elsewhere and cut into their profits. May wrote “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” and I magically came to life. Montgomery-Ward gave away millions of the booklets over the years. One year, Robert summoned his courage and asked for sole ownership of the story. As a result, he became a millionaire collecting profits on books, records, lunch boxes, toys, clothing, TV shows, etc. Montgomery-Ward actually sold the merchandise that May grew rich on. I got nothing. Oh, the irony!
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The Sound of Music
October 2025 | Vol. 69, No. 3
Written by Sam Garloff, DO
Earlier this week, I was happy*. Honestly, quite happy. It was a week of perfect beginnings. The Sun-Times reported that Chicago will be home to the Illinois College of Osteopathic Medicine, the first new Chicago medical school in over a century. Even better, the curriculum is reported to integrate mental and physical medicine throughout each year to deepen a physician’s holistic approach to not only patient care, but self-care. To an over-the-hill shrink, living in Chicago, what could sound better?
My friends, the happiness I felt didn’t stop there. Friday, my spouse and I were scheduled to attend the CSO, featuring Mahler. Two days later, dinner out to celebrate our 57th anniversary. Then, the vicissitudes and vulgarities of life arrived.
Thursday morning, I awoke to a text message from the wife of an old friend. I knew it could not be good news. Dave, aka Zoot, was now receiving home hospice care. Dx: Glioblastoma.
Zoot and I have been friends for 65 years. I gave him his nickname, which he accepted with pride. You see, Dave was a tenor sax/clarinet man. I tagged him after Zoot Sims, the famous tenor sax player for Benny Goodman, Kenny Baker, Stan Kenton, Artie Shaw, and Woody Herman’s “The Four.” You see, that was the level of Dave’s playing.
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